Monday, March 17, 2014

Just Me...

Butts Posted by SoshiBUTTS at 11:34 PM
#READING THIS SHIT





Taeyeon frowned. “Don’t get mad,” she said carefully, “but I kind of—told Sunkyu—about this.”
Tiffany gave a wry smile. “About the puzzle?” she joked lightly.
Taeyeon didn’t take the bait. “It is a bit of a puzzle, isn’t it.”
“What?”
“You and me.”
“Ah.” Tiffany folded her arms neatly across her knees. “I guess so.”
Her pensive expression worried Taeyeon, somehow; she wasn’t sure what she wanted from this
conversation. She wasn’t sure what she wanted from Tiffany, really, which was weird considering she
had thought she had wanted the same thing for years and years. And she still did, but—it was different
now. Because she had what she wanted, and she didn’t. She had Tiffany, and she didn’t have her at all.
Maybe that was why they hadn’t talked about it—maybe it hadn’t just been Tiffany’s reluctance to label
them, but her own reluctance too. Without labeling it, it was whatever she wanted it to be, and that was
somehow safer.
She glanced back down to the puzzle and began sifting through the pieces again. “You’re not mad, are
you?”
She didn’t dare look up and so only heard Tiffany shift and cluck her tongue, saw her hand a moment
later as it joined hers in the pile of puzzle pieces.
“Why would I be mad?” she answered after a long moment.
Taeyeon shrugged. “I don’t know. I figured you didn’t want to… tell anyone… I don’t know—I just
thought—”
“It’s not that I don’t want to,” Tiffany replied and then for a few moments they were silent, assembling
the puzzle with dedicated concentration.
“I just don’t know what we’d say, and—” Tiffany exhaled. “I don’t know how they’d take it. I’m
guessing Sunkyu threatened me with violence.”
“A little bit of violence,” Taeyeon admitted.
Tiffany sighed. “And the rest of them will be exactly the same.”
“I think she was mostly confused,” Taeyeon pointed out. “I mean. Maybe that was my fault. I couldn’t
really explain to her what was going on, because I don’t really know what’s going on, and I think the
fact that we haven’t talked about it is…”
She shrugged and looked up. Tiffany had settled down and was sitting cross-legged, her shoulders
slumped forward, her eyebrows lowered over her eyes. Taeyeon couldn’t help but feel bad, although
she didn’t know why. Maybe it was easier if they didn’t talk about it. Maybe what she had told Sunkyu
was an ideal, maybe the best thing for them to be was exactly what they were and had always been,
except kissing instead of fighting, which she admitted was a pretty good compromise. Maybe. The
thought of defining it at all weighed heavy on her.
“We can talk about it,” Tiffany said.
Taeyeon took a breath. Now she didn’t know how to. Never mind just forget about it seemed a little bit
childish at this juncture. “What are we doing?” she blurted.
“I don’t know,” Tiffany told her honestly.
“I mean—what are we, to each other, I mean…”
“I don’t know,” Tiffany repeated. “Is that what this is? Does it need a label for you to be okay with it?”
“No, I just—look, I think we both know how I feel about you. I’m not really a wild-card. I’ve wanted
the same thing for, like, ten years now, so I know what I want this to be, I just have no way of knowing
—what—you—”
“I want the same thing you want.”
“But why?” Taeyeon sputtered, realizing suddenly why she felt so frustrated. “Why, suddenly, now?
Did you just flip a switch and decide you can feel the same way about me? After ten years? I mean—”
“That’s not fair,” Tiffany said in a small voice. “I’ve felt this way for a long time.”
“Then why now?” Taeyeon shook her head. “I mean, are you really that—insecure—I mean, is this just
another thing to keep me with you?”
“Would it be so wrong if it was?” Tiffany asked. She met Taeyeon’s eyes. “Listen, if I had the rest of
my life to figure out how I feel about you, I’d take it. But I don’t. You're telling me I could lose you
forever. What do you expect me to do?”
“That’s not very comforting,” Taeyeon said with a frown. “You know, that if there wasn’t the threat of
disbandment hanging over our heads you’d leave me to continue being miserable forever—I mean, it’s
a little—I don’t want to use the word sadistic, but there’s no thesaurus on hand, so—”
Tiffany flung a puzzle piece at her and smiled, strained. “You know I just want you to be happy. I kept
thinking, you know, if I wait long enough, you’ll get over me and I won’t even have to figure out how I
feel about you, because it’ll be too late. That’s what I wanted, honestly.”
“Why?”
“Because you had it in your head that I was somehow going to be the thing that could make you happy,
and I knew I wasn’t. I still think that. But—” She shrugged helplessly. Taeyeon looked at her. The idea
of the past ten years of her life being summarized with a helpless shrug was so ridiculous it almost
made her laugh.
“That’s stupid,” Taeyeon blurted. “You’re stupid.”
“What are you, five? Don’t call me stupid—”
“I’m sorry, but that’s dumb—”
“Taeyeon, get this through your head,” Tiffany rasped harshly and her tone was unlike anything
Taeyeon had ever heard in all the years of knowing her. “I can’t make you happy, okay? I’ve waited
years for you to figure this out and I’m still waiting—you’re going to realize that I’m not what you
want, that you put me on an unrealistic pedestal for years, and there’s no way any human being could
ever live up to what you want, especially me. You’re going to realize that.”
“Is that what this is? Just another effort to make me get over you? You’re unbelievable.”
“No.” Tiffany shook her head adamantly. “You don’t understand the pressure.”
“I would never pressure you in any way,” Taeyeon said, feeling defensive. “You know that.”
“That’s not what I mean. I mean—when you idealize something for too long, you’re only bound to be
disappointed.”
“Idealize?” Taeyeon repeated skeptically. What even was an ideal, she wondered. A type, an ideal—that
was someone you could summarize in a line, a few words. She couldn’t explain Tiffany in a few words.
She couldn’t explain Tiffany in a million words. She knew this because she had tried, and the more
difficult it became to talk about, the more genuine she knew it was.
“Listen.” She straightened her legs and then hesitantly scooted forward, close enough to touch her. She
took a breath. She had left the ball more or less in Tiffany’s court for a month now, never approaching
her, never initiating anything. In a way, it felt like her last lifeline, her last effort at some form of selfpreservation,
an assurance that this was what Tiffany wanted and that if Tiffany suddenly decided it
wasn’t what she wanted—well, maybe she could only get her heart broken a little if she didn’t invest
too much.
Now, though, she made the first move forward, placing her hand carefully on Tiffany’s knee. That
much she could do. She shook her head. “Look, I’m not some fan, okay? I’m not someone who doesn’t
know the real you. I’m not admiring you from afar—I know you. I mean, the good stuff, the bad stuff. I
know everything about you. I know you look like an ugly monkey when you wake up in the morning
—”
“Taeyeon,” Tiffany gaped.
“I know that you’ve lived here for a million years and your Korean is still so mysteriously bad I have to
explain my incredibly hilarious jokes to you. I know you’re stupid and stubborn and overprotective to a
really obnoxious fault, and I know that—better than anyone because I’ve worked and lived and been
with you for ten years now.” She felt Tiffany’s knee shake beneath her hand. “I’m not in love with an
ideal person,” she said. “If you don’t get that I’m kind of stupidly in love with every single one of your
flaws, you haven’t been paying attention. At all.”
She felt brave enough to finally look up at her and was surprised to see Tiffany’s head bowed in a slight
nod. She scooted closer, braced both hands on the floor on either side of Tiffany; the proximity made
her dizzy. That’s it, she thought, studying Tiffany’s wet eyelashes, that’s it—you won’t get out of this
alive.
She swallowed. “Can I please kiss you?” she asked.
Tiffany looked up, her eyes dark, and she nodded timidly. Taeyeon kissed her. She felt Tiffany cup her
face and her arms shook.
“Ugly monkey,” Tiffany questioned with a tone of disapproval, kissing just the edge of Taeyeon’s lips.
“A really cute ugly monkey,” Taeyeon clarified, smiling.
“And I’m sorry, my Korean’s awesome and you’re just not that funny—”
“No, I’m really hilarious—”
“You’re really not, all your jokes are lame puns and—”
“Puns are funny—”
“For old people, maybe—”
“Please shut up,” Taeyeon muttered and sealed their lips together, pressed close and put her mouth
anywhere she could, feeling Tiffany’s feverish pulse throb where their lips met. She pressed her to the
floor and her skin prickled and buzzed as her blood raced through her veins.
She was beginning to forget the point of self-restraint. Maybe Tiffany was, too. Tiffany left marks in
her skin, always, little imprints of her nails on Taeyeon’s shoulders, scratches on her forearms. It meant
that she couldn’t kiss Tiffany and walk away from it, blot it from her mind, because the memories were
carved into her skin.
It had seemed like a long fall over the course of many years, but maybe it was shorter and quicker than
she had thought.









#ENDLESS SEASON
#TAENY
#FANFIC
#MY FUCKING FEELS!!


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